Friends, American Idol is nearly over and, though I’m not sure whether the two finalists are the best of the entries, a result is close and, once it is over, life will come to an end for millions of Americans.

A thought entered my mind, a mischievous thought. Why don’t the promoters of American Idol start up a new show for those who are struggling to succeed in the business of politics, a profession which does require some psychopathic tendencies?

The rules of the new show are easy. As before, auditions are held across America and contestants fight each other until there are only 12 left. Then, each contestant has to do 10 tasks over 10 weeks, one per week (shown below).

People phone in and vote and, each week, a potential politician is declared the winner. The one who gets most winning performances is the winner and gets an apprenticeship in the White House and, of an evening, empties the spittoons in the Congress.

THE TASKS:

1. Lie continuously for 20 minutes without a hint of a smile or downcast eyes.

2. Present a speech on Gandhi or Mother Teresa or Martin Luther King without showing contempt for such selfless people.

3. Be interviewed for 15 minutes without using the word ‘I’ once.

4. Face a panel of Palestinians and convince them that they should move out of the Palestinian Territories.

5. While reciting the American Constitution, sit close to a bucket of 100 dollar bills for 10 minutes without exhibiting stress or agitation as evidenced by a stress meter.

6. Convince the studio audience that the slaughter of the Native Indians was necessary and was obviously God’s will. Alternatively, justify the Civil War as an exercise in diplomacy.

7. Give a Glenn Beck whiteboard presentation which proves beyond all reasonable doubt that America is the Greatest Nation in the History of the World.

8. Give a Bill O’Rielly impression which shows conclusively an incredible ability to shout down someone who has a contrary view while simultaneously insulting them gratuitously.

9. Dressed in a Commander in Chief jacket and sitting in a mockup of a war room complete with actors, demonstrate how to conduct a Security Council meeting without actually grabbing anyone by the throat and shouting, “Die, you traitor, die!”

10. While films of Nagasaki and Dresden and the carpet bombing of Vietnam and Cambodia are shown, hide any glee and convincingly demonstrate feigned remorse for these human tragedies.

Yes, folks, this new American Idol format has great possibilities and it will push the most skilled potential psychopathic politicians into the limelight, turn them into household names!

Who knows, the winner might go on to be President or the Secretary of State!