Let’s Have Some Lovely Wars!

This could be you! Don’t miss out on all the fun.

Friends, the thought struck me the other day that Australia is a nothing nation. Sure, we are good at sport and we have kangaroos but other that that we’re small cheese in the world hierarchy.

I looked around at other nations for some guide as to what to do, especially at the world’s leading nation. As a result I came to the conclusion that the way to move up in the world pecking order is to put together a large army then wage war on foreign countries, especially those that have scarce resources.

What follows are some recommendations which will help to get Australia out of its embarrassing minor status and into the big league.

PREPARING AUSTRALIA FOR WAR.

There are several things we must do quickly. First we must get our fun-loving, beer-drinking citizens to think that war is good, that war is necessary, that Australia is a bonfire on the hill.

We need to start in kindergarten, show war movies with John Wayne and Arnie the Terminator in them, get children to stop their play and understand that war is good, that war is necessary, that there exist Evil Nations that envy our lifestyle and want to take it from us and that we have to smash them, quickly reduce their lands to rubble.

As the work begins with children, we need to run a parallel course for adults, show the same movies to them, make violent video games free, introduce knuckle dusters into all football codes, perhaps even clubs so that the oval is splashed with blood and the people scream for more as they once did in Ancient Rome.

Then we need to turn most of our manufacturing industries into armament manufacturers. To hell with making cars and tennis racquets! What are we? Wussies!

We need Australian tanks and fighter planes and warships and missiles which we can use ourselves or, eventually, sell to others who are also wanting to get into the war game which is an exciting worldwide phenomenon. There’s lots of money in it to. Lots, to say nothing about the joy of killing other humans, perhaps even torturing them.

Next the Government needs to stop wasting money on health and education (unless it is war education) and pensions and unemployment benefits. While our industries are gearing up we need to spend lots of taxpayers’ money on shiny new weapons and nuclear bomb technology and armaments from France, the U.K., the States, etc,. This will  quickly build up our navy, our air force, our army, eventually get us into the top ten strongest armies like Israel.

Next we need to introduce conscription, put men and women into a branch of the Armed Services from sixteen to twenty-one, get them thinking right: that war in normal and how heroic and noble it is to die for your country especially the grand funerals they’ll get. We must get them skilled in killing, get them to understand that our enemies are not humans at all and don’t deserve to live on this earth with us, the ‘goodies’, the righteous whom God blesses.

WHO WILL WE FIGHT?

Once we are ready for action, we have to choose someone to invade and occupy so that we can get our numbers of military bases on foreign soil up to a respectable level. I mean, we don’t have any at the moment and this is to our deep shame. Other nations, well at least one of them, have hundreds!

Probably the first nation for us to invade is Fiji. They have a dodgy Government there and we can say we are bringing them democracy and freedom and human rights.  That’s always a good thing to say because no one then questions the brutality you engage in then or the casualty figures.

Then there is New Zealand and East Timor. Once we’ve cut our teeth on these formidable opponents, sorry, enemies, we can start to look further afield. Japan is not that far away and neither is Samoa or New Guinea.

HOW WILL WE KNOW WHEN WE’RE IN THE BIG LEAGUE?

We’ll know Australia is becoming a force to be reckoned with when people around the world start to hate us. The more they hate us, the better. When everyone hates us, that will be our defining moment.

Long live war!

“Once lead this people into war and they’ll forget that ever was such a thing as tolerance.“

Woodrow Wilson.