“Hullo! Don’t Hang Up!”

“Have I got a deal for you! Friend, this is your lucky day! Your name has been drawn out of a hat and you’ve won a wonderful prize. You’re going to become fabulously rich AND you’re going to live forever.

How is this possible you ask in the midst of a global economic crisis? Listen closely. I discovered an ancient manuscript in Uganda a few years ago, one that was written by the one, true God, cross my heart. It tells how the Great God M’Bulli, He who made simply everything, came down to earth in the form of a white elephant and, trumpeting loudly, told humans how to achieve eternal life AND be wealthy. He left specific instructions which I have translated into English for the benefit of the Western World.

The first thing you have to do is to sell all your possessions and follow Him, He whose wisdom is infinite and whose power is supreme. You mustn’t worry about money and you can achieve this by sending it to me. No cheques. Only cash. Your money will be invested in a brilliant scheme that has a guaranteed return of 1,000%  per month! Can you believe it? This money will be sent to your nominated savings account each quarter! You’ll become a billionaire in no time.

Next you must read the Holy Book which M’Bulli called the Holy BulliBible and observe all its edicts and holy pronouncements. This small book will be sent to you post paid once your money reaches me. It’s got a leather cover and it has gold writing as befits a tract from God.

Followers of M’Bulli will be known as God’s Omnipotent Favourites (GOFs) and good fortune will follow you all the days of your life and into the hereafter. Put your right arm out in front of you. Wave it from side to side three times. This is the Holy Sign of M’Bulli and represents his exalted trunk which brings salvation to all genuine believers.

But that’s not all! Upon your death, you will have 144 virgins waiting for you in Paraven which is a fabulous combination of Paradise and Heaven but far, far superior. Once there, you’ll never have to work and you can watch television all day long while you drink cold beer. Beautiful maidens will wait upon you hand and foot or, if you prefer, nubile young men. M’Bulli is very open-minded about his chosen GOFs and allows for the unusual. But that’s not all!

During your endless stay in Paraven you will be able to assume the role of a Pope or a President or a Rock Star or a CEO or any other famous world leader or personality who you’ve always envied. Yes, you can live in a fabulous palace or a White House or a McMansion or Number 10 for as long as you want and lord it over everyone! Blessed is M’Bulli who loves his children and spoils them rotten!

Now give me your address and I’ll send you further information. And the good news doesn’t stop! The first 500 GOFs to send in their money will get a tiny ivory elephant that has been personally blessed by M’Bulli! It has extraordinary powers, I kid you not! It will allow you to seduce maidens and win lottery prizes and keep you safe from harm and tinea.

Don’t hesitate. Sell everything now and become a GOF while there’s time! Let us pray!”