Don’t Monkey With Us!
Friends, while the world is agog with wonder at the fossil Darwinius Masillae discovered in the Messel Pit in Germany and what it might mean for the Theory of Evolution as espoused by Charles Darwin, Rabbi Israel Forever Lieberman has issued a strong warning to worshipers in the Holy Tabernacle Synagogue in Tel Aviv.
“Children of God,” he cried passionately, “this discovery may have implications for the world’s unfortunate Gentiles but it has nothing to do with us Jewish people who were specially created by God and have kept their holy genetic inheritance intact by selective begetting. Our superior difference is easily discerned. We ain’t no knuckle-draggers, Oi!”
The Pope, as if an echo, has issued a strong indictment of the harmless fossil. “My children,” he said, his voice trembling with emotion as he held Mass in the Vatican, “those who claim that we derived from primates are devil-worshipers, may God forgive them and burn them forever in Hell. We Christians were made by God for his glory so we could find salvation through Jesus who the misguided Jews helped to crucify, may they be forgiven though it is unlikely.”
In America, the Pastor of the Advanced Holy Rollers, Jeol Pasternak, said in a spirited sermon, “My faithful flock, please pray for these scientists who are blinded by Satan. In your prayers, ask that the Holy Spirit visit them, late at night if possible, and show them the errors of their ways using enhanced interrogation if necessary. Why, if they came here, I, Jeol Pasternak, would lay my hands upon them and heal them, put them on the only path to righteousness. Ours. I would lay my hands on Jews and Catholics too if I got a chance! But not Muslims.” His congregation called out loud ‘Hallelujahs’ and began to talk in tongues while some danced.
Elsewhere, in the Grand Mosque of Tehran, Imam Shefardsky Imam Imam told the worshipers, “This primate fossil has nothing to do with Allah, may He be praised. Only infidels came from primates. You can tell by the way they act, by their love of war and killing, by their greedy eyes. We, who love Mohammad, peaceful pilgrims that we are, were created by Allah for his eternal glory. Blow up an infidel today, show your faith!”
Meanwhile, in India, brightly-dressed priests celebrated in various temples. “We have had monkey gods for thousands of years. We are clearly ahead of the rest so give generously so we can continue with our multi-theistic theology, one that encompasses most living creatures thereby spreading the risk that we might offend this god or that. Golly, gosh, goodness me, you can’t be too careful, you know!”
Darwinius Masillae, though you lived 47 million years ago, you have reached across time and thrown our world into more confusion and conflict. May you rest in peace!
As for us, the religious dogs are barking!
“You have got our country, but are not satisfied, you want to force your religion upon us.
You say that…if we do not take hold of the religion which you white people teach we shall be unhappy hereafter. How do we know this to be true? We understand that your religion is written in a Book. If it was intended for us, as well as for you, why had not the Great Spirit given…to our forefathers the knowledge of the Book, with the means of understanding it rightly? We know only what you tell us about it. How shall we know when to believe, being so often deceived by the white people?
Brother…We are told your religion was given to your forefathers & has been handed down from father to son. We also have a religion which was given to our forefathers & has been handed down to us, their children. We worship in that way. It teaches us to be thankful for all the favors we receive, to love each other, and to be united. We never quarrel about religion.
Brother, the Great Spirit made us all, but He has made a great difference between His white and His red children. He has given us different complexions and different customs….Why may we not conclude that He has given us a different religion accordin to our understanding? The Great Spirit knows what is best for His children; we are satisfied.
Brother, we do not wish to destroy your religion or take it from you. We only want to enjoy our own.
Brother, you say you have not come to get our land or our money, but to enlighten our minds. I will now tell you that I have been at your meetings and saw you collect money from the meeting…..
Brother, we are told that you have been preaching to the white people in this place. These people are our neighbors. We are acquainted with them. We will wait a little while and see what effect your preaching has upon them. If we find it does them good, makes them honest, and less disposed to cheat Indians, we will then consider again what you have said.
Brother, you have now heard our answer to your talk, and this is all we have to say at present. As we are going to part, we will come and take you by the hand, and hope the Great Spirit will protect you on your journey and return you safe to your friends.”
Red Jacket of the Seneca Tribe(New York) in 1805 gave this response to missionaries who proposed the wholesale conversion of the Seneca tribe to christianity. He first speaks of how the white people came to this land claiming they were fleeing from religious persecution.
And that is true but what most USAns today don’t realize is that the Puritans were demanding a strict, repressive, rigid community with no dissent permitted. Fleeing from persecution sounds to my ear like the ‘pilgrims’ wanted religious freedom for all, but that is contrary to all evidence. They were scolding know it alls.
Anyway, I posted this rather lengthy response because I love the eloquence, elegance and logical prose of Red Jacket’s answer. (he was called R.J.because he fought with the Brits against the Americans during the Revolutionary War.
I think spirituality probably thrives best w/o ritualistic prayer meets/masses, etc., but on an individual connection to life.
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Hello David, I don’t know anything about the subject per se, but I can tell you what I think. The atheist must be crowing on the roof tops by now and the religous as you have mentioned are quaking in their sunday best. I don’t believe in religion because of the brutality it has perscribed on humanity since the beginning of time. Most of the atrocities to mankind have been performed in the name of one religion or another. Bullshit. People are inherently evil in nature and it takes a certain fortitute to overcome the evil that beats in your chest. In any given situation any person can commit a crime on humanity that will justify a tabloid spread.
Maybe there is some kind of god and it has a very fucked up sense of humor; maybe not. I don’t know and you certainly don’t know. If you did we would be paying homage to David G. Sorry I haven’t posted in a while but I thought the blog was starting to get one sided, not to mention the fact that you pissed me off. Oh well, that’s life. Nothing personal. You see this very subject and atheism is what i’ve been struggling with, not to mention war and goverment corruption.
The question is not from where we came, but where are we going? Don’t give me some arrogant bullshit answer! I would like a dialogue.
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david, being as your prose made me guffaw here’s a joke for you and the others…..
did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? lying in bed one morning at 2 am thinking: i wonder if there really is a dog………….
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Israel is made up of two tribes, I wonder if Lieberman is only referring to those two tribes (as the others are whereabouts unknown). Science is a wonderful thing but religious freaks don’t understand it. Science is about observation, hypothesis, test, publication, verification, theory and finally law. At this stage these 450 million year old bones are just hypothesis as they have nothing to test them against. In order to gain the full knowledge of evolution of a species one must have skeletal or other physical remains of each step the specie has taken in its evolution and the possible offshoots. But their is an old ecological principle known as Gausses principle which states “no two species can occupy the same niche” so if the species has occupied a niche for millions of years then why does it need to evolve. After saying that it is amusing to watch the religious book bashers jump on the band wagon of self righteousness and hubris.
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Kate, thanks for that account. It seems the Red Indians had more sense than those who conquered them.
Ralphe, we are headed for a hole in the ground or the gas flames of a crematoria or the intense heat of a nuclear bomb, that much I can guarantee. Discourteous, illogical people like you piss me off!
Coco, it’s nice to hear from people like you. Glad you liked my post.
Kemosobi, the religious book bashers are losing more and more of their congregation. This event will make them even more worried.
Science meanwhile continues to be a mixed blessing.
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The true beleiver will continue to beleive no matter what science has to say. It is as if their mind is set in stone and nothing can change it.
It is as if thinking for yourself or questioning what you have been taught is a crime. I do remember being taught as a child that there where questions you did not ask, but I was lucky and was able to keep as least a small part of a questioning mind alive.
So many people seem only to repeat what they have been taught and never give any real thought to what it means. Plus, they seem to be very proud of their ability not to think and question.
Yes, questions can be scary, but that is better than being in a mental prison.
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What I dont understand is that in my own life, I feel that i have had spiritual experiences. I even left my body at least once and saw the other side of life. I began experiencing precognition as a child. I would dream events and then watch them unfold. The out of body was on my 12th birthday. As a result of my experiences I feel like a spiritual person and I am even “open” to all the world’s religions and that includes even that I truly believe in the man called Jesus Christ, yet I could pray or meditate in any temple or synagogue (provided I am welcome inside). I accept wisdom where I find it. The part that is confusing for me are the ‘hard liners;’ the people that KNOW the answers to the mysteries of life and will fight and even – kill – people who don’t believe the way they do. Aren’t people having their own experiences and finding their way? Or are people that vacant that they merely take someone’s word for it? – and will kill based on what another human said? With all of my spiritual experiences, love and bliss were key components of the experience. FWIW.
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Re: The monkey? man?
The jury is still out and I will not get my knickers in a twist, just yet. : )
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Why not borrow, (recycle) if others hard work can be reused ?.
Yet, one more time, (as a non English-speaking) allow me to borrow the words, by other already prepared through the hard work of typewritiing, also expressing the opinion of mine.
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“your prose made me guffaw ” indeed.
“Science is a wonderful thing but religious freaks don’t understand it”
The true beleiver will continue to beleive no matter what science has to say.
It is as if their mind is set in stone..
[this isn't necessary the case limited to questions concerning religion]
the following make me ‘guffaw’: (laugh)
“those who claim that we derived from primates are devil-worshipers”
“may God forgive them and burn them forever in Hell”
“We Christians were made by God for his glory so we could find salvation through Jesus who the misguided Jews helped to crucify, may they be forgiven though it is unlikely.”
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Jeannie, I too asked questions and was told that only God knew the answer. That just made me ask more questions!
Grace, yours is a pragmatic position which is comfortable to you. Keep it up. Love and bliss are in short supply.
John, I admire your perseverance with what is a difficult language. Keep up your good work.
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Great satire! Loved it! The old religions are dead but new religions will arise as most humans need something/someone to worship. In USA, the Holy Church of Elvis or the Star Trekis might arise. Who knows where evolution will lead us….
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David G Reply:
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Thanks for your appreciation of my satirical efforts, Margit. I’ve got a fair idea of where evolution will lead us…
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