Friends, this may come as a shock to some of you but God has spoken to me, an atheist. This means I have joined the exalted ranks of the likes of George W Bush and, like him, I’m on a mission. How did it happen, you ask?

The details are sketchy but, during my sleep last night, I had a dream, a vivid dream, one unlike any I’ve ever had. I was walking along this forest track when suddenly a frog jumped on my leg. It was red and its eyes were scary.

Patiently, I waited while it climbed up to my chest where it rested, never once taking its eyes from my face. Then it spoke. “I’m God!” it said in a thunderous voice.

Of course, I feel to my knees as one does in the presence of God. “For…for…forgive me…me my sins,” I stammered.

“Get up, human. You’re making a complete fool of yourself.”

“Not an unusual thing for humans,” I said meekly, rising to my feet. “But it comes as a shock to find that God is a red frog, your esteemed Eminence.”

“I know. It really pisses me off the way humans have misrepresented me down through the ages. All those ugly paintings of me with a massive human body and unkempt hair. I have accorded the deceivers special punishments,” he said and winked.

“Like what?” I asked tremulously.

“Giving them a dose of syphilis and erectile or liver problems, or ingrown toenails. Sometimes, I nearly croak with laughter.”

“And when they die?”

“When they die, what? Dead is dead. Dust to dust. Kaput! Only humans are conceited enough to think that they should live forever!”

“But billions believe they are going to heaven or paradise…”

“Quite so, quite so. That’s why I’ve chosen you to go forth and spread the truth. There is no heaven or 72 virgins. There’s nothing. You die and that’s it. Finito! All over, Red Rover.”

“This won’t be an easy message to sell, Your Holy Greatness. Humans don’t do anything unless they reckon there’s a reward in it for them.”

“Cut out that Holy stuff! It sickens me. Making strange gestures, speaking anachronistic languages, waving smoking pots about, it’s all crap! Just go forth and tell people that what you see is all you get and if they don’t pull their socks up they’ll be damned sorry! Have I mentioned herpes and hemorrhoids and halitosis?”

“No, your Divine Excellency! Look, why did you make us?”

“It was a terrible mistake, one that I have deeply regretted ever since. I was trying for something nice, something peaceful, something noble, like living garden gnomes. Then, in the Garden of Eden, the snake ate the two frogs, Alan and Anna. Then the bloody garden gnomes, Adam and Eve, stepped in and took over, the damned drama queens. Ever since, it’s all been downhill in my world. Humans have stuffed everything! Even God wins some and loses some!” The Frog God sniffed a little and a tear ran down his cheek.

“Quite so, ” I said, patting him tenderly. He was moist and cold. “Look,” I said, surreptitiously wiping my hand on my coat, “I don’t want to quibble but isn’t there something nice that I could offer the humans. I mean the news of a red frog God and the threat of herpes and no life after death won’t be popular in many quarters, of that I’m sure.”

“All right. I’ll do a deal. Those humans that take special care of frogs and stop poisoning their habitat, I’ll extend their miserable, conceited human lives by a hundred years.”

“Done!” I said and with, a flash of lightening, suddenly the vision was gone and I awoke ready to change the world.

But then the thought occurred to me that offering people another hundred years of life might seem like a particularly severe punishment to many. Have you seen what people of a hundred already look like?

Upon further reflection, I admit that I am an unwilling Messiah but then neither I or you want syphilis do we?

Later, on a street corner, bullhorn in hand, I call out hesitantly, “Repent, you sinners, while ye may. Join up, join up! All donations welcome. Worship the one true Lord God Red Frog. Treat frogs kindly especially red ones, and get a hundred extra years of life! If you don’t join up and take special care of frogs, be prepared for many doses of herpes or hemorrhoids or arthritis or dandruff. Hear ye, hear ye! Repent!”

People walk by and smile. Little do they know!