The following is a true transcript of what George Bush meant to say to the Knesset during celebrations on the anniversary of sixty years of Israeli occupation of the Palestinian Territories.

‘Dear Fellow Imperialists and True Believers,

I’m so glad to be here speaking to you openly behind closed doors about exciting issues like invasion and occupation and nuking Iran, burn Baby, burn, that advance our mutual interests and lofty ambitions, (heh heh). As in poker, it doesn’t pay to show your hand, to reveal your real intentions but here, among friends who understand the finer points of genocide and torture and amassing fortunes, I can speak as if I was at home in my private loo at the White House, the one with all the mirrors that let me see myself in lots of ways. Have you ever noticed…er…

We, who will one day run the world, must be careful never to reveal what we really want. We must say democracy over and over in each sentence as if we were praying to our mutual God, may He be praised and lead us all to the Promised Paradise and the 72 virgins where we shall lay down with lions and giraffes and billionaires…I always fancied a giraf…get Thee from me, Satan!

I mean, democracy and human rights can only go so far. You can’t trust these bloody serfs to run anything. They’re too dumb unlike we who are the masters of the infinite…universal…er, universe.  So we must let them think they run the show while we, the true rulers, ones who were born for riches…er, greatest…greatness get on with the serious business of making lots of money (frantic applause) and making the world a better place which it is when we, who will inherit the earth, make lots of money (enthusiastic stamping of feet).

Fellow Imperialists, oil is where it’s at. Forget all that bullshit about global heating up. Nothing better than getting your hands into a barrel of oil. It’s so slippery, it makes you tingle and if you rub it on…and, I can’t go there, I have to constrain some decorus, and…you can make such a lot of money out of it, oil. My shares have gone through the roof and Dicks’, he’s bought a new shotgun did you know? If he has to ride on the stagecoach those Indians will sure get it…where was I?

Oh yes, I’m the Commander in Chief, The Decider, and you’re lucky I’m here sharing my profunded thoughts with you. God works in mysterious ways, He told me…sorry, that was a private conversation. Remember, I’ve got a lot more nukes than you and aircraft carriers so long that I can land on to announce Mission Accomplished so keep that in mind (heh heh) and remember to kiss the hem of my garment. No, not now, you fools, sit down!

Now, regarding Iran, as we’ve already discussed, our attack is imminent. As I understand it, you’ll blow up one of our destroyers and I’ll say that Iran did it. Those brave boys won’t mind dying for their country, I’m sure. I’ll send their families a letter with my personal signature on it. I’ll even use the gold pen. Then we’ll launch our missiles and wipe out (heh, heh), turn to glass those pesky Iranistas, then we’ll knock over Syria while you take out Lebanon (wild applause) and any other raghead nation that dares to stand up to the courageous forces of freedom and democracy (standing ovation).

The division of the Middle East will then take place. Boy, is your Promised Land, though much smaller than mine, going to be ‘stewwacky’. That’s a Texas term for all your Christmases have come at once! Yeehah! You can get rid of the all the Palestranials and anyone else you don’t like, remember, thanks to me, no one who is anyone is counting civilians deaths anymore (furious applause) and I’ve got immunity from the World Court so there. Once you’re sort of in charge of the New Democratic Middle East and all that lovely oil, then we’re free to bring democracy to Africa then South America. Boy, will Wall Street climb. Once we’ve accomplished that then the world will be ours and China will be Chop Suey, Hallelujah (five minutes of clapping, wailing, bowing, cheering, bobbing, crying, praying)!

Thank you, thank you, I deserve it. Well, that’s all I have to say to you lot. Make sure your papers and television channels around the world give me some good press. Not that I need it, mind you. Who cares what anyone says? Me and the corporations…and you of course, will soon control the world (heh, heh). May the Lord be praised.

Oh, that’s right, you don’t believe in the Lord do you? No matter, like us you believe in military power and money so, as the songs says,  ‘Two out of three ain’t bad,’ so cross your heart and spit your death, we are brothers forever!’